Family Intensives

After working with hundreds of families over the past 25 years, I have discovered a fascinating fact: many people simply do not know how to be a family.

It’s not that they don’t want to know or are being negligent, most truly want to do what’s best for their children, but many have simply never experienced, been taught, or shown how to do it themselves.

We often take what we learn from our own parents, both the good and the not so good, and bring it into our own family life. No matter how many books we may or may not have read, or how much therapy we may or may not have had, sometimes we “become our parents” and raise our kids exactly the way that we were raised. Other times, we promise to do the opposite of what our parents did and go to the other extreme.

The bottom line is that many of us don’t really know what good parenting looks like and many have never experienced how to be a healthy family; thus, we allow serious problems with our dear families to fester right in our own homes without any real idea of how to combat them.

This is where I come in.

I’ve worked with thousands of parents and children over the years and I have learned what a good healthy family looks like, sounds like, feels like, and the actual steps that parents and children need to take in order to get there.

That’s why I developed what I call family intensives and they are, I believe, some of the most important work I do for families in my practice.

What are Family Intensives?

A family intensive is a program I designed that allows me to come into your home, spend time living with your family from the early morning through mid-evening in order to evaluate and put my finger on the specific issue, or issues, that are keeping your family from highly functioning and flourishing.

I’ve worked with hundreds of families all over the country for 25 years and this process is, by far, the quickest way I’ve found to uncover the deep-set problems that are causing strife or simply keeping you from the healthy, fulfilling, loving, at-peace home life that you want.

How Does a Family Intensive Work?

Every family intensive looks a little different, because every family and situation is a little different. But I typically break down my work into three distinct, important periods: Consultation, Evaluation and Instruction. I’ll discuss each of these in detail below.  

1) CONSULTATION

Every family intensive begins with a consultation in my office. During this time, I block out 3 hours or more where we can sit down and, in one sitting or several, discuss what you believe is happening with your family, decipher what your family is needing, start taking a look at the root cause of the issue, and talk about what you as a family really need and want.

For some people, this in-office consultation is all that’s needed. We have a few sessions together, and I give you all the techniques that you need to work through the deep, sometimes emotional issues that are causing strife within your family. At which point, you are able to go home, apply those things and start seeing real, true growth.

But sometimes, I find that my tips and advice just don’t seem to be getting through. The family or parent may understand what’s needed and “get” the techniques that I’m offering, but they simply don’t know how to implement them in a practical, everyday way.

In this case, I might hear parents say things like, “You know, I hear what you’re saying, but I just don’t know what that looks like in my home.”

Or something along the lines of, “This makes sense, but I’m not sure that it would work for my child, or my family.”

Or “I tried what you suggested, but somehow it’s not working.”

Over the years I’ve learned that, when I hear these things, it can be that parents need to see me actually perform the technique with their own children and family and then they are good to go.

Or sometimes it shows me that the parent(s) are lacking something from their own childhood that would give them the tools they need to implement my suggestions.

It’s not that parents lack the ability or motivation to have a thriving family, but that they simply don’t know how to create one. In those cases, I go about creating that experience for the parent, so that they can then offer it to their children.

There is no such thing as a perfect family. We all grow up lacking, hurting, and even feeling deficient in certain areas of our lives. At the same time, we all grow up feeling content and strong in certain areas, and we often bring all of this into our families.

Sometimes it's a very conscious decision. We decide that we don’t want to be anything like our parents and, therefore, do everything the opposite way they did. Or, it can be subconscious, where we don’t even realize that we’re inserting our pasts into how our families operate in the present.

In these situations, I’ve found that it is so much more impactful to step inside the family’s home and literally show you how to be a family, as opposed to simply offering tips and techniques.

For example, a mother might come to me and tell me that she doesn’t feel very loving toward her child. Now, I can give her techniques on how she can practice being more loving and explain to her how to do that, but for some, this simply isn’t enough.

This dear mom may need to see and witness it done practically, and she may also need to experience feeling loved, cared for, and nurtured herself before she can fully express love to her children, and have her love be absorbed and taken in by her children.

In this type of situation, I typically suggest that I come into the family’s home in order to evaluate their patterns in a natural, more personal setting.

2) IN-HOME EVALUATION

My process for intensives varies from family to family depending on their needs. Sometimes I’ll only come into the home for a couple hours, sometimes I’ll stay for a couple of weeks, or several months, but it always starts the same way.

From my first moments in the home, I’m watching and evaluating what’s happening. I especially tune into moments when I see that children or family members are having feelings that are not yet being acknowledged. Hurt, frustration, anger, loneliness, grief, joy, excitement, hope, love, etc. all may be happening, and yet, perhaps some are not seeing these feelings in themselves or each other and, thus, misunderstandings are occurring.

When I’m in your home, I also pay special attention during the times when issues are most likely to rear their heads (mornings while people are getting ready for work and school, meal time, late afternoons, and evenings when families are doing homework, preparing dinner or getting ready for bed, etc.).

I watch, listen, and feel how your family operates. I look to discover how your children are feeling deep down, how they are feeling and expressing themselves on the surface, what they are longing for, and what they most need to flourish.

I’m also looking at how you all communicate, how you, as parents feel deep down, how you communicate with your spouse and children, how you enforce or don’t enforce limits and standards, and what happens when you do set limits.

Having spent 25 years watching families, these are a few of the many key things that I’m paying attention to until I get a good grasp of the major, underlying issues that are keeping your family from flourishing as well as what is working WELL for your family.

3) IN-HOME FAMILY INSTRUCTION

After spending a several hours or days closely with you and your family, I’ll sit down with you and lay out specifically the direction I believe you should go in order to correct the issues that I’ve seen.

(I will often remind you that my end goal is to always draw out the most authentic true essence of each person in your family, to get each person living from that genuine place, while highly functioning in the every day.)

Once this is done, I’ll come back into your home, roll up my sleeves and start giving you some actual instruction on how to make changes in your family structure.

This, of course, looks different for every individual and family based on the issues that are occurring, but it almost always involves me seeing an issue and stopping the family in the moment. We’ll take a pause, make adjustments on the spot and then I’ll help each person recognize the good and specific intention that was behind the issue. Finally, together I’ll help you practice, in the moment, a better way to go about making that intention more clear.

For example, a child might yell at his or her parent or sibling. As soon as I see that, I’ll stop everybody in their tracks and get to the bottom of the issue right then and there. Then, once we identify what’s really happening in the heart of the person, I’ll show everyone how to handle the situation differently in the future. Then we will practice over and over.

During this adjustment period, we’ll spend most of our time just practicing, working together to learn how to handle circumstances in a better way.

This is my favorite part of the whole process because it’s so incredibly practical for parents and families who simply don’t know what they could be doing, and how beautifully family can live. I’ll sometimes spend 10-12 hours per day in a family’s home just helping them learn and grow together so they can overcome whatever is going on. I hold these long hours so that together, we can override the old patterns in your family. Not having even a moment to repeat the old way or patterns, your family has the opportunity to engrain new thoughts, feelings, and actions in a healthy way.

It’s important to note that, during the adjustment period, I put a huge emphasis on the fact that we only do things that don’t work because we still have a pattern in place that insists that we continue in that way. 

I will be reminding you often, that deep down, I believe all intentions at the deepest level are for good.

The adjustment period is not a time for shame or embarrassment for anyone in the family. We will draw out some deep problems and habits, which can be difficult, but most importantly we will be looking at how both positive and negative patterns have a good intentioned goal at the core. 

This is purely a learning environment and a chance of a lifetime to learn how to “be a healthy family.” There is no judgement, there are no foolish responses, just you and your family learning how to do things in a way that works better for you all.

We’ll work together until you and I feel like your family is truly able to implement the adjustments without my presence and guidance. Then, I’ll continue to follow up with you either over the phone, FaceTime, Skype, in my office, or in person just to make sure that you’re all continuing to grow into the family that you want to become.

The Two Questions People Ask Most About the Family Intensives

When first hearing about my Family Intensives, people typically have a number of questions, but it often boils down to two in particular:

1. Is it uncomfortable at first for families to have you in their home?

2. Aren’t people on their best behavior when you’re in their home?

I answer these questions below:

What Kinds of Families Would Benefit From an Intensive?

I get all kinds of calls from families asking me to come into their home and help them reach their true potential, but over the past 25 years, I’ve found that most typically fit into one of the following categories.

But before we get into that, it may be helpful to understand how I decide if your family needs an Intensive or not:

Now, here are the most common types of calls I get from families asking for my services. Do you or anyone in your family fall into one of these categories?

1) FAMILIES WANTING A MORE SPIRITUAL LIFE TOGETHER

The first call I often get is families calling because they would like to bring more spirituality into their lives. They would like some instruction on how to integrate, mind, body, and spirit into their family life. They may want to bring meditation, or prayer, or spiritual, emotional, or physical health practices into their family life. They often speak of longing for peace, more contentment for their family. They usually say they are wanting their family to live more consciously and to be more aware of each of their individual callings on this earth. They are usually craving rich family conversations. They speak of wanting their family to "get more of what it's really all about" in the bigger life picture. A Family Intensive intensifies the connection, love, flow, and contentment of the entire family. This work brings a foundation and peace through the house and each family member that is solidifying and wholesome.

2) LOOKING FOR A BETTER FAMILY LIFE

I also get a lot of calls from people wanting to experience a better family life. There may not be any serious or major problems happening within their home, but perhaps they feel like things could be better. In most of these instances, they want someone to come in and help them to have better communication with their children, teenagers and spouses.

There may also may be a particular issue that’s causing problems within the marriage or communication structure. Kids may have poor behavior and have outbursts or meltdowns throughout the day and not listen to instruction. Or spouses may be wanting a better marriage, more intimacy, a better sex life, a sex life at all, better communication, or better family as a whole.

Regardless of the situation, whether you have identified that your family has a few issues, or major problems, or if you just want to grow, enrich, and live better, a Family Intensive can benefit any family.

3) FAMILIES WANTING An Accountable Adult in their young person’s life

Parents may want somebody that they know and trust for their young person to call, text, Skype or talk to when they have questions or struggles that they’re dealing with. Young people need other people in their tribe or community that they know cares about them and is always available for a conversation.

4) LOOKING FOR BETTER HEALTH

I believe that we, as people, are made up of three parts: mind, body and spirit. If any one of those three parts is neglected, the other two will begin to suffer. I’m passionate about making sure that my clients take care of their bodies and give themselves the proper nutrition, sleep, exercise, recreation, and down time that they need to stay healthy.

This being the case, many families call asking me to help them revamp their health. They may want their kids to eat a wider variety of healthier foods, want their child to exercise, to sleep more or less, or just to keep basic hygiene.

In all of these situations, I’ll come into your home and help you completely revamp the mindset that your family takes towards health and help you institute changes that will make an impact.

5) FAMILIES WITH CHILDREN WHO LEARN DIFFERENTLY

I work with lots of young people with learning differences. Sometimes their parents have taken them to every specialist and still they don't feel like their child is getting the basics either in school, emotionally, socially or familially. The parents can feel like both they and their children are running out of options.

In my years of experience, I’ve found that these particular young people are typically very gifted. I love discovering their gifts and showing them how to use their gifts to help accomplish day-to-day tasks that can seem challenging for them, as well as helping these young people to find their niche passion or “thing” in life.

6) FAMILIES WITH HIGH-ACHIEVERS

Highly productive, high-achieving kids are an incredible gift. But often, young high-achieving, successful youth also have high anxiety, indecisiveness, stress, quickly-triggered emotions, low-self esteem and more. Whether it’s through external expectations or internal motivations, or because they are trying to be the best at everything that they do, these kids can really struggle with incredible amounts of stress.

With young high-achievers, I like to come into your home and help them discover what’s truly important to THEM and in life. Learning to make that distinction can help a young person to go from being highly anxious, to someone who is still motivated, but can choose to let go of the need to be the best in certain areas, who can handle failure, and is resilient and relaxed.

7) LOOKING FOR EMOTIONAL BALANCE

Parents often call me because they see that their child is suffering from depression, anger, rage, anxiety, sorrow, defiance, isolation, loneliness or self-destruction, and they are genuinely concerned for their wellbeing.

With these young people, I come into your home, and from the moment I walk through your door, my goal is to start hearing your child in a very deep way to understand what is truly happening in their hearts, minds, souls, and lives. By truly listening I am able to find the source of what’s causing the emotional imbalance in their lives.

Then, I create a plan to help them see that great, beautiful thing that is trying to grow inside of them. I focus on getting that wonderful thing inside, that is wanting to grow, to shine through and overshadow what’s bothering them.

8) FAMILIES WITH HIGHLY SENSITIVE YOUTH AND TEENS

Many parents will call me with kids who seem to feel and notice everything. These kids, when they walk into a room, often notice so much more that’s happening than some of us can imagine. The seams on their socks, the feelings of other people, noises that other people don’t even pay attention to, lights, etc. might bother these kids and leave them feeling exhausted at the end of the day.

In these unique circumstances, my goal is to come into your home and help give both you, as parents, and your highly-sensitive children the tools you need to help process, let go of and clear out all the happenings of each day. These tools will help them feel calm, balanced, energized, able to prioritize, and keep them more productive.

9) FAMILIES WITH PARENTING QUESTIONS

Often, I’ll get calls from parents who want some coaching ideas on how they can become better at running their families, or simply want to run some parenting ideas by me.

Sometimes they want to learn how to deal with a particular situation, sometimes they find that they’re not being listened to by their children, other times they might be worried that their parenting style might actually be hindering or holding back their child. And some call me feeling that nothing they’re doing as parents is working.

In any case, I’m happy to help parents figure out how to parent with greater effectiveness. I absolutely love parent coaching. The relief and results that a family sees when a positive parenting adjustment is made is absolutely incredible.

In this day in age, parenting can seem so daunting. Parents are inundated with parenting advice from books, blogs, tv shows, radio programs, movies, friends and family that simply is not correct.

With so much misinformation, it’s almost impossible for parents to differentiate between what to-do and what not to do. Understandably, parents can feel at a loss in many areas when it comes to raising their children.

This is incredibly stressful on parents, kids and families alike.

That’s why I’m more than happy to step into your home and literally show you how to parent. I’ve worked with thousands of parents over my 25 years of coaching experience and have developed methods that work and are both tried and true.

10) FAMILIES WITH A ‘CHILD-RUN’ HOME

By far, I get the most calls from parents who are living in a child-run home, and who have kids that will not do what is asked.

These young people  won’t do all or some portion of the following:

• Won’t get out of bed lots of mornings

• Won’t keep basic hygiene

• Won’t go to school

• Won’t do their homework or keep decent grades

• Won’t go to bed when asked

• Throw tantrums when they’re told to do something they don’t want to do, or when they don’t get their way

• Won’t come to the table or clear their plate

• Won’t put down their technology when asked

• Won’t even keep basic safety measures.

And sometimes children or teens in these particular families have excellent grades and succeed outside the home but are sinking deeper inside themselves behind the walls of the home.

These families have often been to the best doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, counselors, educational consultants, healers, nutritionists, have had their children professionally evaluated and tested on many fronts, and may have already tried, highly specialized schools, therapeutic boarding school, wilderness programs, etc., and are simply running out of options.

In some situations, parents might actually fear their child, and also fear what their child’s adult life will become. Some of these kids may act out, become violent, actually hit or hurt their parents, hurt themselves, constantly try to negotiate, or make threats, etc.

Regardless of how severe the problem of a child-run home has become, I’m more than happy to come into your family and show you how to fix it. It’s often an intense, emotional process, but it works. The family intensive can help you regain leadership of your family and restore peace and joy to your home.

Connecting with Young People

Young people need to feel like there’s someone in their tribe or community that cares about them and will always be there for them whether things are good or bad.

CONCLUSION

I take the family intensives that I design very seriously. They are, as the name would imply, an intense, emotional process that often draws out hurt, pain, anger, rage, insecurities, fear, pride and other things that may have been buried for years.

But more importantly, underneath all of the former, the intensive draws out the raw, authentic, incredible essence that each person possesses. Allowing you, and your family, to get on with living a beautiful, flourishing, vibrant, healthy life together.

The family intensive is rigorous, but they work.

For 25 years, I’ve walked into homes with “hostile” teens and spouses, “defiant" children, and families that simply do not enjoy being around each other and helped them heal.

It is possible to have a happy family. It is possible to have a peaceful family. It is possible to have children that enjoy spending time with you and feel understood. It is possible for you to enjoy your children and parenting them.  It is possible to combat and avoid the so called “rebellious” and  “dangerous” years of a teenager’s life. It is possible to feel love for your spouse again or for the first time. It is possible to get your young person to enjoy being a child, learning, and doing what is asked in the home. It is possible to combat the pressures and anxieties that we face every single day.

It is possible to be a happy, healthy family. 

Your family is not too far gone. Things can be better and I can show you how to get there. Call me and let’s begin.