The Rise of Permissive Parenting
In this day-in-age, many parents are choosing permissive parenting.
I wrote this blog post for all the parents out there who have a hunch, or know, that they are pretty permissive in their parenting style. I also wrote it for people who know a permissive parent, for young people who have permissive parents, and for everyone who feels like something is causing them to become more and more permissive with children and in their parenting.
The first thing that I want to say, before we discuss permissive parenting, is that I have lots of compassion for every parent who believes in and feels compelled to parent permissively. I completely understand the myriads of reasons why you may be parenting this way.
I’ll discuss the specific reasons in a different article, but for now, it is important that I express my heart to you here, because you as parents often do not find much support or understanding for all that you do as parents. So please hear me when I say, I get why you may be choosing to parent permissively or otherwise.
I see permissive parenting almost every day working with families and I see, firsthand, the issues, anxiety, frustration, and heartache it can cause for children and parents alike. What’s sad is that this style of parenting is becoming more common and parents are feeling more and more pressure to adopt this style.
Parents may feel they have to: do the opposite of how they were raised, heed the advice of current child experts, be more permissive because it creates less conflict and may seem easier in the moment, or parent permissively because they feel pressure to parent like the parents in their social circles, or parents may feel guilty because they don’t get much time with their child and they want the the time they do have to ‘feel good,’ etc.
But here is an interesting and important point: Of the thousands of parents that I’ve worked with, whom are very committed to permissive parenting, most of these parents have a deep sense that something is “off” with how they are raising their child.
Why do we continue parenting permissively?
Often it’s because many parents don’t see another alternative.
They don’t want to be too strict, too tight, too unfair, too dominating or, what some may call “abusive” with their children. Parents may not have experienced, been taught or shown how to parent with open heart, balanced with consistent boundaries and consequences.
Parents are often reacting to how they themselves were parented and either going to the extreme opposite, trying some modern new way of parenting that they have read about, been advised in, or they may be inadvertently parenting the way they were parented, or a using a confusing mix of the two.
Oh, how my heart goes out to them. Parenting can seem so confusing for our dear parents and our dear children at this point in time.
Parents feel torn, because many feel that the way their parents raised them worked, in a certain way, but that they were raised too strictly and forcefully, only finding their way in the world after learning to deal with the emotional issues created from overly strict parenting.
Or parents may have come from the parenting style where it was common to have your kids, feed them, make sure they were relatively safe, and let them find their own way. Most adults today don’t want to repeat that style either.
And some parents feel drawn, seduced, or even embarrassed into a permissive style of parenting.
Many of today’s parents are trying to do what is called respectful parenting, free the child’s spirit, or letting the child or teen figure it out.
Of course, all situations are not exactly like these descriptions in every household, but most situations are ending in the same parenting style.
The Result: Permissive Parenting
I’ve spoken before about how new parents sometimes do the opposite of what their own parents did when they were children. And many years ago, the typical parenting style was to be strict and forceful.
This being the case, many of todays parents opt for a more nouveau style of parenting. They sign their kids up for lots of activities, put them in the best of schools, have high expectations of them; and yet, do not insist that their children follow through with every day healthy behaviors.
For example, parents often do not feel that they should make their children clear their plate after a meal, clean their own rooms, or have chores, They feel they have to offer many meal choices rather than their children just eating what is made for the family. (barring food allergies, of course)
They don’t make their child do their homework, don’t make them go to bed, don’t insist they greet others with a hello, and for sure don’t make them look adults or others in the eye upon greeting. They often qualify this lack of rules by saying something like, “We are letting our child do these things when they are ready.”
Many mothers and fathers feel that it’s alright for their children to scream at them and to refuse to do what is asked.
Many parents feel they need to give their children and teens choices and allow them to find their own way. Of course, they can be around if their child should want some help, but they think their child should find limits, develop self-discipline, productivity, manners, good behavior and self-management on their own.
They may ask, suggest or point them in the right direction, but never significantly enforce boundaries or rules.
They may give their young people a “time-out” here and there, take their phone or electronics for a bit, or threaten to take away this or that, but many parents today say that their child just does not respond to discipline or authority, or rules, and acts out when pushed to do something they don’t want to do.
Unfortunately, this inconsistent enforcement of rules often doesn’t work. As I mentioned earlier, when talking very deeply with permissive parents, I find that most feel that something about what they’re doing is “off.”
Parents are becoming concerned about how their kids may not be learning the basics of how to interact in a family, how to get things done, how to get themselves to do things that they don't want to do, and how to be patient when they aren't getting their way.
Parents are becoming increasingly worried that their permissive parenting is not teaching their child how to have their feelings and, at the same time, push through their feelings to get the action completed and get the results their child needs or wants in the world. Whether it be chores, school work, inter-family interactions, greetings outside the family, hygiene, everyday necessities that we all need to have down like breathing before we leave home around 18. Parents are concerned that modern day parenting is not quite getting the job done.
And the truth is that they’re right.
Permissive parenting paints a world, in the mind of a child, that is completely centered around them, gives them way too many choices and way too much power before they are capable of handling either.
From a very young age, children will often push their parents’ rules to find the walls of limits. Pushing boundaries at different stages is a child’s job. That way a child knows where they stand in the hierarchy, and allows them to begin to understand how the world works. In other words, they learn to go on green, stop on red.
When a child finds that spoken threats and consequences are empty or half-hearted, they learn that they can push the limits a little further the next time. Thus the young person keeps pressing the boundary every day, at every stage, at every age or they simply give up and don’t care at all.
This sort of mindset, if not straightened out, often leads to adults who are self-absorbed, irresponsible, selfish, unloving, lack self-discipline, can’t take initiative or self-start, struggle to respect authority and lack the tenacity to persevere in life.
One of the most important skills to have as an adult, is to have a good working relationship with the authority you have in your life. ( Both internal and external authority ) No matter how wealthy, intelligent, or off the grid, there is no such life on earth in which we don’t have some form of internal and external authority that we interact with daily. It is very important for children to learn from a young age, how to put their mind on something, and make it happen. This allows us to have initiative and the self-discipline which is instrumental to success.
It’s imperative that children learn these skills from a young age in their home. The lessons are often too hard to learn at older ages or outside of the home, and unfortunately, have much bigger consequences later in life.
The Solution to Permissive Parenting (It’s not 1950’s parenting)
First off, while there is no such thing as a perfect family or a perfect parent, there is such a thing as good parenting. It does exist and it is attainable by nearly everyone who is willing to learn, grow and adapt to the true needs of their children.
I believe that deep down every parent, wants to be a “good parent.” They each set out with the intention of loving their children and long for them to be happy, well-adjusted, self-managed, self-disciplined and desire a deep openness with them.
The issue is that these wonderful characteristics are being developed less and less in children. Kids have to see those characteristics being displayed in their parents, parents have to consistently insist and hold their kids accountable to clear daily standards, and parents have to put in the, often hard, work of helping nourish and grow them.
Here are a few ways that I’ve developed to help parents hold their children accountable on a daily basis.
Look at the Habits Your Children are Forming
Take some time to really look at what kind of adults your children are becoming and whether or not they are learning the habits of how to get daily things done. If we can see what we are creating in our children, that will help us to know what we need to make sure to enforce.
If daily family, social interactions, respect for self, others, authority, and parents, good sleep habits, hygiene, diet, chores, manners, etc. are not becoming daily habits, then how hard will it be and how much time will it take them to learn these habits as adults? To the detriment of who and what? Will they even learn these things once they are adults?
These questions could be helpful in getting leverage on yourself to make a change in your parenting style.
Pick Two Areas to Focus on
You may see several things in your child that you’d like to fix. But focusing on all of them at the same time will not only overwhelm and frustrate you, it will overwhelm and frustrate your chid.
Instead, pick two areas that are really important to you that you would feel devastated if your children did not have skill in as an adult.
For example, in your household, it might be respect toward others and doing what you say the first time you ask.
These two things can look wildly different based on your family, the personalities of your children, the way you were raised and more. So spend some time really thinking about it and decide on the two most important things you want your children to know before they leave your house.
Institute Incentives and Consequences
This is the part that’s often scary for permissive parents but it is, without a doubt, one of the most important pieces of combating the problem.
After you have picked your two areas of focus, decide what the positive and negative consequence will be in your household if your child does or does not do uphold them.
Then start enforcing. The first time they break your rule, explain how important this rule is to you and then explain what will happen from now on if your request /rule, is upheld or if they do not uphold it.
THEN,
Follow through every single time.
This is absolutely the KEY. When you’re enforcing your rules, hold your boundary and stick to your long term goal by using positive and negative consequences every single time.
It is important not to start this part until you are ready and determined to stick to your request / rule and the positive and negative consequence day in and day out. No matter where you are, what you’re doing, who’s with you, what event is planned. I can not emphasize this enough. The whole point to making behaviors a habit is to do them every time. That way healthy behaviors become like breathing.
Stick to what you told your child would happen if they do or do not do the behavior that you are teaching them.
If your child is not used to you consistently holding them accountable it could take months of you sticking to it every single time, until they actually believe and get that you are serious. Depending on the child, they may try to make life pretty miserable for you in varying degrees trying to show you that they will wear you down, until you go back to the old way of doing things. Stick to your plan.
When in doubt, stick to it, stick to it, stick to it.
If you need some support to hang in there or have questions, feel free to call, e-mail, or text me.
You can combat permissive parenting, and I’m here to help you every step of the way.